Finding it really hard to sleep, these days. Also finding it very hard not to cry. I can't seem to shake the grief of losing my father, and I can't help but wonder how much easier that would be to do if I had some sort of focus in my life.
I've been thinking a lot about mortality. Because I lost my father and because I have several lumps in my breast. I find it very hard to connect with the idea I might actually have breast cancer and the meaning in that. I just can't. Which is a good thing, I suppose. I think if I actually thought about what it means to have breast cancer, it might crush me. But while I suspect it has much to do with the irritability I'm battling and the constant urge to breakdown and cry, there's just no room for it in my reality. I reject it outright. I have never believed cancer can kill me. All it can really do is make things harder. Because if there's one thing I've learned from my life, it's that there are no easy ways out, and any chance Life gets to fuck you up further, it will take. So really, I view cancer as more of an inconvenient little "screw you" to my bank balance and my personal life than I do a disease that could actually cause death.
But I like to keep the bases covered, so I have actually considered what might occur if I do, in fact, have cancer, and it does manage, despite all personal experience and evidence to the contrary, to cause the terminal part of my life to come so sharply into focus that the light at the end of the tunnel does turn out to be the proverbial train. And at the moment, at least - what with it being all theoretical and shit - I find myself not particularly bothered. Which is a rather odd feeling. More than anything, I just don't want to leave my dogs. That thought fills me with a deep and unbearable sadness. I don't want to leave them. People are fine. People you can say goodbye to. But dogs, dogs don't get it. Dogs are like, "Where did she go? Why did she abandon us? When is she coming back?" And that really, profoundly, disturbs me. So for them, I would really prefer the lumps in my breast be nothing more than cysts or benign tumors. And frankly, since I'd really prefer no one take a scalpel to my person, cysts would really be best. The kind you can aspirate with a needle - which, by the way, sounds only marginally less unpleasant than the aforementioned scalpel. Then also, there's the problem of Pete, and what to do with him. Pete, as you know, is very important to me, and he really needs to go to a good home, with someone who will understand the magic and importance of Pete, that he is a very real creature, who needs to be loved and held and treasured, and not stuck in a box somewhere and forgotten. I need to know that Pete will always be treasured and loved, for the rest of time. Which is probably a HUGE issue some psychiatrist somewhere could build an entire book around, but that's how I feel about Pete.
So there you go. These are the things I am somewhat ambivalently concerned with at present. Cheery, no?
No.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Cleanse Day 5
I went off the cleanse today because I spent most of my waking hours at Calli's son Wyatt's 1st birthday party.
I should have stuck to the salad.
It's amazing the difference in just 5 days of cleansing. A) meat is not good. I think plain chicken will be fine, but sausage (turkey) is gross. B) apparently, I am sensitive to wheat or gluten or both, because I had a little capellini and some cake, and about 2 hours later, I felt like I couldn't breathe, I was congested, and my throat was full of phlegm. That's a major bummer, because I love bread and pasta, but at least now I know what probably triggers that reaction in me (the cleanse bans wheat and gluten). I get that condition a lot, and it's miserable. I also eat a lot of bread and pasta. So again, bummer. Bread and pasta, I will miss you.
I am back on the cleanse tomorrow. I just like how it feels a LOT better.
The party was really nice. I finally got to actually talk to Calli's friend Cristen, and she's cool. I'm glad I finally got to meet her for real, rather than just seeing her in passing. And Wyatt's a cutie pie. I can't wait till he's talking and old enough to do stuff like go to Disneyland. :) He glommed onto me just before I was leaving and laid his head on my shoulder. He's such a little heartbreaker, that one. :) I wish I knew my own niece and nephew as well as I know Calli's kids, but when you're not a close family and you live 1400 miles from the kids in question, it just doesn't work out. It makes me sad, sometimes. I love my Yoda brother, so I really wish I saw him more. Darth Brother, not so much, but Yoda brother is cool. The ugliness over the dairy has increased. Darth Brother did not like my shove it email and sent one back of his own, and boy, did he get ugly. Like really ugly. I had felt a little guilty about the tone of my mail and was going to apologize, but then I read today's missive and decided fuck that. I told him just to do whatever needed to be done and that I don't want to hear about it again except for a heads up before the sale is final so that I can go out and take photos and rebury my dad's ashes deeper. And then I really don't care if I never talk to him again. I didn't tell him that, but there's been no love lost between us since 1980, and that's clearly not going to change. He's an unmitigated ass, and I'm sick of his condescending, arrogant bullshit.
*sigh*
later,
kd
I should have stuck to the salad.
It's amazing the difference in just 5 days of cleansing. A) meat is not good. I think plain chicken will be fine, but sausage (turkey) is gross. B) apparently, I am sensitive to wheat or gluten or both, because I had a little capellini and some cake, and about 2 hours later, I felt like I couldn't breathe, I was congested, and my throat was full of phlegm. That's a major bummer, because I love bread and pasta, but at least now I know what probably triggers that reaction in me (the cleanse bans wheat and gluten). I get that condition a lot, and it's miserable. I also eat a lot of bread and pasta. So again, bummer. Bread and pasta, I will miss you.
I am back on the cleanse tomorrow. I just like how it feels a LOT better.
The party was really nice. I finally got to actually talk to Calli's friend Cristen, and she's cool. I'm glad I finally got to meet her for real, rather than just seeing her in passing. And Wyatt's a cutie pie. I can't wait till he's talking and old enough to do stuff like go to Disneyland. :) He glommed onto me just before I was leaving and laid his head on my shoulder. He's such a little heartbreaker, that one. :) I wish I knew my own niece and nephew as well as I know Calli's kids, but when you're not a close family and you live 1400 miles from the kids in question, it just doesn't work out. It makes me sad, sometimes. I love my Yoda brother, so I really wish I saw him more. Darth Brother, not so much, but Yoda brother is cool. The ugliness over the dairy has increased. Darth Brother did not like my shove it email and sent one back of his own, and boy, did he get ugly. Like really ugly. I had felt a little guilty about the tone of my mail and was going to apologize, but then I read today's missive and decided fuck that. I told him just to do whatever needed to be done and that I don't want to hear about it again except for a heads up before the sale is final so that I can go out and take photos and rebury my dad's ashes deeper. And then I really don't care if I never talk to him again. I didn't tell him that, but there's been no love lost between us since 1980, and that's clearly not going to change. He's an unmitigated ass, and I'm sick of his condescending, arrogant bullshit.
*sigh*
later,
kd
Friday, February 5, 2010
Cleanse Days 3 & 4
Day 3 still yummy. Craving sugar and Diet Coke big time. No surprise, there. :( Addiction is a beyotch. I had some issues with the quinoa & red lentil patties, in that I put too much water in, so it turned out much more like porridge than patties. Ah well. Moira tells me to add cornmeal if it happens again, so I picked some up at the store tonight.
Day 4 not so yummy, but that's just personal preference. It was butternut squash, which I love, but it had an Indian flavor, which I'm not a huge fan of, in general. I mean, I like Indian food, and I love me the curry, but not in my butternut squash soup, which I prefer to be more buttery and savory than cardamom-y and sweet. If I'd left out the cinnamon and cardamom, I probably would have liked it a lot more. It was a good recipe, just not how I normally spice my butternut squash soup. Ty LOVED it. Better than mine, so what do I know, I guess. :)
As far as the cleansing goes, I'm definitely going through an adjustment period the last 2 days. I don't have a lot more energy yet, but I do feel healthier, so that's good. :) And I like that the food's not heavy, and I can just about eat as much as I want without feeling guilty. There's no portion control. I probably shouldn't stuff myself, because that's not good for anybody, no matter what you're eating, but somehow I think stuffing myself on lentils and salad is not the same as doing it with breaded chicken and mashed potatoes. So right now, I'm not worrying about how much I eat. And I definitely want to do the spring and summer cleanses, as well. I can definitely see some physical changes for the better - my tongue is not so cut any longer, and I'm not getting any new white spots in my nails...those had suddenly sprung up overnight, and it was CRAZY. I had TONS of them. I mean seriously, people, holy smokes. Thankfully though, there aren't any new ones. I think my skin is starting to look a little rosier and more clear, but since it's only been 4 days, that's probably my imagination. Still, I'm liking the dietary changes, and we've decided to limit our meals with meat to only 3 or so a week, and much smaller portions. I'm just going to augment the meals with stuff like quinoa, which is really easy to make, and now I know how to season it for more noms. :)
So there you have it. In other news, my brother emailed me he's selling my dad's dairy. That's a whole nother post on its own, and not a happy one, so I'm not gonna talk about it now, if ever. Suffice to say I'm bitter and angry and resentful, and I let him know it. It's one thing to tell me it has to be sold. It's another to misrepresent facts in evidence and hard sell me on it while telling me you'd really like the money for it so that you can go to grad school when Mom & Dad paid for your frigging college education, car, computer, off-campus apartment, and you got to go to a good school (UT), while I paid for all my own college expenses and ended up having to drop out because I couldn't go to school and pay rent at the same time, because no one was paying my frigging rent. Or for my car. Or gas. Or car insurance. Or, you know, FOOD. And at UTA, because that was the only school I could afford to attend. So hai - u SUCK.
Yeah. That's a whole nother post.
Later,
kd
Day 4 not so yummy, but that's just personal preference. It was butternut squash, which I love, but it had an Indian flavor, which I'm not a huge fan of, in general. I mean, I like Indian food, and I love me the curry, but not in my butternut squash soup, which I prefer to be more buttery and savory than cardamom-y and sweet. If I'd left out the cinnamon and cardamom, I probably would have liked it a lot more. It was a good recipe, just not how I normally spice my butternut squash soup. Ty LOVED it. Better than mine, so what do I know, I guess. :)
As far as the cleansing goes, I'm definitely going through an adjustment period the last 2 days. I don't have a lot more energy yet, but I do feel healthier, so that's good. :) And I like that the food's not heavy, and I can just about eat as much as I want without feeling guilty. There's no portion control. I probably shouldn't stuff myself, because that's not good for anybody, no matter what you're eating, but somehow I think stuffing myself on lentils and salad is not the same as doing it with breaded chicken and mashed potatoes. So right now, I'm not worrying about how much I eat. And I definitely want to do the spring and summer cleanses, as well. I can definitely see some physical changes for the better - my tongue is not so cut any longer, and I'm not getting any new white spots in my nails...those had suddenly sprung up overnight, and it was CRAZY. I had TONS of them. I mean seriously, people, holy smokes. Thankfully though, there aren't any new ones. I think my skin is starting to look a little rosier and more clear, but since it's only been 4 days, that's probably my imagination. Still, I'm liking the dietary changes, and we've decided to limit our meals with meat to only 3 or so a week, and much smaller portions. I'm just going to augment the meals with stuff like quinoa, which is really easy to make, and now I know how to season it for more noms. :)
So there you have it. In other news, my brother emailed me he's selling my dad's dairy. That's a whole nother post on its own, and not a happy one, so I'm not gonna talk about it now, if ever. Suffice to say I'm bitter and angry and resentful, and I let him know it. It's one thing to tell me it has to be sold. It's another to misrepresent facts in evidence and hard sell me on it while telling me you'd really like the money for it so that you can go to grad school when Mom & Dad paid for your frigging college education, car, computer, off-campus apartment, and you got to go to a good school (UT), while I paid for all my own college expenses and ended up having to drop out because I couldn't go to school and pay rent at the same time, because no one was paying my frigging rent. Or for my car. Or gas. Or car insurance. Or, you know, FOOD. And at UTA, because that was the only school I could afford to attend. So hai - u SUCK.
Yeah. That's a whole nother post.
Later,
kd
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Cleanse Day 2
If you guys are interested in taking part in the winter cleanse I'm doing, head over to Moira's website, where she's offering her winter cleanse and ebook for free. Normally, it's $180. Just enter the promo code "moirafree" (without quote marks) in the discount code box on the left side of the page, click "update cart," and follow the directions from there. Moira will email you a link to your free ebook and information on the cleanse. I heartily recommend it. Today's lunch was yummy veggie "sushi" rolls and dinner was awesome - and EASY - potato-leek soup. I can't tell you guys how delicious and easy to make all this food is. I am loving this cleanse so much that I have decided that when it's over, I'm going to restrict my meat intake to 3, maybe 4, days a week. I'm going to see if Moira's got a cookbook out, and if not, I fully intend to pester her into oblivion until she does. I know a good thing when I see one, and Miss Moira is it. :)
xo,
katie
xo,
katie
Monday, February 1, 2010
Veggie Cleanse Day 1
I'm doing a veggie cleanse, and today was Day 1. It went pretty well. I'm going it because I want to get healthier, and all the processed food I've been eating for years has caught up with me. I could sure kill for a soda and some sugar right now, though.
That's about all I've got. It's been alternating between unbelievably boring and pretty suck, so far this year. So I'm just focussing on getting healthier.
How are you guys?
That's about all I've got. It's been alternating between unbelievably boring and pretty suck, so far this year. So I'm just focussing on getting healthier.
How are you guys?
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
URGENT - Dogs & Puppies Need Help NOW. Please read & pass on.
I posted to my public blog yesterday but forgot to post here. The shelter in Gaston, North Carolina, has an abundance of dogs & puppies in need of foster homes or adoption, or they will be gassed. This is urgent, as the shelter began gassing today. Please read the details for foster/adoption below, and pass them on. Let's get these guys some safe places or homes. And if you can donate to Help Save One, please do - your donation will also help save these dogs. If you can't get to NC, transport is being arranged, so please don't assume you can't take one of the dogs/puppies.
Foster homes needed for puppies (East Coast). please pass on [from Help Save One] Ok, things are getting desperate here. We have ten teeny tiny puppies that need a foster, that no one has stepped up for. We've had a lot of trouble finding foster homes lately... it seems that around this time las...t year, we had more fosters than we had dogs, and now, we can't even find one person to help!
Our transport is currently on the road, going from NH to NC and we can drop off anywhere along the way (except MA, as usual). We have 7 itty bitty shepherd mixes that look like little jelly beans, are are maybe 34 pounds each. They're 8 weeks old.We also have 3 chihuahua mixes that are a little too big to be chihuahua mixes.. maybe whippet/min pin... See More ... See Moremixes. Still small, though. 10 weeks old.We need to place these puppies ASAP. Transport is on the road, as I said, so please, even if you can just take one, it would help us out a ton.Send a message or email fostering@helpsaveone.org if you can help!We also have an adult lab that needs a foster, as well as a few of the Spalding dogs that need a place to go, if you'd prefer an adult.
Foster homes needed for puppies (East Coast). please pass on [from Help Save One] Ok, things are getting desperate here. We have ten teeny tiny puppies that need a foster, that no one has stepped up for. We've had a lot of trouble finding foster homes lately... it seems that around this time las...t year, we had more fosters than we had dogs, and now, we can't even find one person to help!
Our transport is currently on the road, going from NH to NC and we can drop off anywhere along the way (except MA, as usual). We have 7 itty bitty shepherd mixes that look like little jelly beans, are are maybe 34 pounds each. They're 8 weeks old.We also have 3 chihuahua mixes that are a little too big to be chihuahua mixes.. maybe whippet/min pin... See More ... See Moremixes. Still small, though. 10 weeks old.We need to place these puppies ASAP. Transport is on the road, as I said, so please, even if you can just take one, it would help us out a ton.Send a message or email fostering@helpsaveone.org if you can help!We also have an adult lab that needs a foster, as well as a few of the Spalding dogs that need a place to go, if you'd prefer an adult.
Friday, January 1, 2010
2009 Can Fucking Bite Me
I should not be surprised, but 2009 found a way to emotionally bitchslap my ass one last time before the new year could arrive. My brother informs me we have to sell the land my dad did not want us to sell. The land we busted our asses working on when I was a kid. The land he loved so much that he died working it. The land he wanted to be buried on and that we scattered his ashes across and that me and my stepbrother buried the last half of those ashes on. I can't tell you how upsetting this is. I need $38,000 to rectify this crap, and fast. Anybody got some extra cash lying around? No? Yeah, didn't think so. Neither do I.
Probate law is fucking stupid, btw. Monies owed have to be paid back by the estate. If they're paid by a person, that person has to assume responsibility for the entire debt of the estate. But the estate can't be settled until all the debt is paid...which in some cases, it can't be until the estate is settled. Are you getting an idea of the level of fuckitude I'm dealing with, here? Yeah.
BTW, please don't try to be helpful and start telling me what probate law is. It varies from state to state, and we have a probate attorney. Believe me, if there were a way around the fubar, I'd be on it. I won't know more until I can talk to my brothers. This landed in my lap at 10pm last night. In fucking email, because my brother is an asshat.
This has honestly been the worst year in the worst 11-year period of my entire life. 2010 is not shaping up to be much better. My only solace at all is in finding out 2009 was the suck for pretty much everyone I know. I'm sorry they had shite years too, but at least I know it was an across the board suckfest, so God wasn't just gunning for me - he dropped the bomb on everyone.
Here's praying with everything I've got that 2010 improves, and fast. Because I can't take another year like this one.
Probate law is fucking stupid, btw. Monies owed have to be paid back by the estate. If they're paid by a person, that person has to assume responsibility for the entire debt of the estate. But the estate can't be settled until all the debt is paid...which in some cases, it can't be until the estate is settled. Are you getting an idea of the level of fuckitude I'm dealing with, here? Yeah.
BTW, please don't try to be helpful and start telling me what probate law is. It varies from state to state, and we have a probate attorney. Believe me, if there were a way around the fubar, I'd be on it. I won't know more until I can talk to my brothers. This landed in my lap at 10pm last night. In fucking email, because my brother is an asshat.
This has honestly been the worst year in the worst 11-year period of my entire life. 2010 is not shaping up to be much better. My only solace at all is in finding out 2009 was the suck for pretty much everyone I know. I'm sorry they had shite years too, but at least I know it was an across the board suckfest, so God wasn't just gunning for me - he dropped the bomb on everyone.
Here's praying with everything I've got that 2010 improves, and fast. Because I can't take another year like this one.
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