Whisper To a Scream

On the way home from work tonight, I heard a song I haven't heard since junior high. Since I was working on the farm with my dad. Next thing I knew, I was sobbing and dealing with the realization that my dad is dead. He is dead. I will never see, hear, speak to, or hug him again. I have not seen him in almost 6 years. I sat in my car and screamed for an hour, and it's hard not to cry now. But I can't, because I don't want to upset my mother. My heart is raw, and it hurts in a way you can't know unless you've lost a parent or child or maybe sibling. You might think you know, but you don't. I imagine losing a child is worse, because children are not supposed to predecease their parents, and there's just no way you can prepare for that. But you can't really prepare for the loss of a parent either, and I feel like I'm going to explode with the pain of it. I want my daddy. Just one more fucking time, I want my daddy. I want to hug him and be hugged and tell him I love him. I want to know that he is okay, in a good place, and I want to be able to look at him and say I love you, Dad. And I hate God, that it doesn't work that way. I do. I hate him so much, because He could make it happen, but He won't, because that's not how it is, and it's arbitrary and stupid, and I want my dad.