I want my mom.

I'm not really handling this death thing so well, frankly. Uncle John is the first of my family members not a grandparent to die. (Not counting my dad's side of the family, whom I haven't seen since like 4th grade, so they don't count.) It's disturbing. And freaking me out, because Uncle John was only like 3 years older than my mom, and I'm so not ready for my mom to die. And okay, he had cancer, but stuff like that runs in families, and my mom's dad, the Colonel, also died from cancer, and my gramma died from dementia. So my mom is not exactly batting a thousand in the health and longevity department, you know? I mean, yeah, Gramma lived to be like 88 years old, but seriously, Mom is gonna be 71 in January, and I used to think that was old, but when it's your own mother you're talking about, it's not that frigging old. I mean, my mom does not look 71, yo. It freaks me out to do the math and realize she's going to be turning that in a few months...which makes my dad 77, which is also pretty freakish. And okay, I don't talk to my mom all the time, and we're not especially close, but who the hell am I gonna ask for help when I need it, after she's gone? Who's going to answer all my tax questions??? And I know that sounds shallow, but it's really not, because it's really a metaphor for all that crap in life that you're supposed to know as a grown-up, and I don't know it. I don't know how to invest money or play the stock market, or where to put my money for the highest, yet still dependable, rate of return, and what the hell IRA-Roths are and how they work, or the machinations of 401K's, and I don't know how to buy real estate, and damn it, my mother is shelter. Your mother is the last freaking resort when life kicks you in the teeth and you got nothin' and not the slightest freaking idea what to do or how to do it. My mom provides me with solid advice when I'm too fucked up to think. What the hell am I going to do when she's not around to do that anymore??? I can't fucking deal with that. Seriously, it's freaking me the hell out in a major frigging way. I'm only 45 dudes. I mean, not even 45, and my mom is going to be 71, and what if something happens to her? I know you're supposed to have all this life experience and be able to suss this crap out by the time you're 45, but you know, I never really had a playing field, and I don't know all this crap. I'm still trying to figure out what the hell to do with my life and how to do it, and now I'm dealing with the fact that my mom might not be around very much longer to help me figure the shit out, and that is terrifying me.

How the hell do people do this? How did my mom do it? Was she this frigging terrified when she was my age? Did she totally have a spaz when her mom died? I'm not close to either of my brothers, and definitely not my dad, and while Mom only had Uncle John as far as the family closeness thing goes, at least she had him. I talk to my brothers *maybe* once a year, around Christmas. I can't ask them for advice or to help me figure shit out because they're lacking the same skill sets I am. Except that they've both at least purchased houses, so if I ever buy a house, I can ask them about that. But in all other matters, I'm pretty much up a creek, because my mom is the one with all the financial smarts and life experience in the family. I mean, my dad has that too, but he's coocoo for Coco Puffs and just can NOT be depended on at all for advice. I might not be close to my mom, per se, and she might not be the most dependable person in the world for emotional support, but she's generally there when the chips are down these days, and I really frigging need that. Especially the last several years AND the foreseeable future. This is really fucking with me, people. I'm a weeping, anxious mess.

Help.

kd